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Jul. 21st, 2009


A touch of cuteness

Watched Arete-hime some days ago. The shock came in the first ten minutes or so: one of the OST songs was in Russian ^^ First I just didn't make out the lyrics, but suddenly I realized something weird, especially when the English subtitles appeared - my God, the song in my mother tongue was translated for me xD I get the point, but still... nyaaah~ And, aww, it was beautiful... I should try to find the mp3 somewhere in the Web. The anime itself is also lovely and somewhat hypnotizing, though the style of graphics is a bit unusual.
Also, I tried to make a cute friendship bracelet I never made before, and it turned out nice ^^ That made me want to make more and more of this kind and give them away to people I meet. If I am lucky, on Sunday I'll go for a walk with other friendship bracelets makers, and I'm looking forward to it.
The cutest thing happened to me today - Maximilien presented to me a Skitty trinket! xD I wanted to take a photo of it, but after coming home I immediately fell asleep, and when I woke up, it was already too dark to do it - and taking photos in the electric light is terrible. But believe me, it's such a cute thing that I can hardly stop looking at it xD
And. I saw some pictures he had drawn. My, I just can't hear it anymore when he says that he can't draw. His skills are amazing. The way he drew one of my characters, Alexandra (who is, secretly, the incarnation of Luck power), is so lively that I want to cuddle her. Besides, I don't know if I can write about his characters here, so I'll just say - one of them, a demon, has infatuated me completely and forever. I just can't explain it. Mainly because it's such a long story. ^^;
And I'm tired...

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Jul. 14th, 2009


The angst

Damn that headache. It is just annoying, like a mosquito's peep.
What have I been doing these days? Oh well. I made a couple of friendship bracelets, finished reading "The Gadfly" by E.L.Voynich, had a sleepless night and started playing the game I wanted to play for a long time. That's all. And that's nothing, except the book, but I can hardly speak of it now because it drives me too emotional.
I can't get a rest. I just don't know how to calm down, I don't know what the feeling of peace is. Almost everything makes me get nervous. I am tired. I can't say anything, I'm just tired. Tomorrow my parents are coming home, and that alone makes me shudder. Maybe I've been thinking too much about it today, but I went to a conclusion that just their presence in the flat makes me feel uneasy, and I would give away almost anything just to get a small corner far away from them, as far as possible. I am scared of myself, because I can't remember anything bad they could do to me, they didn't punish me, and yet I don't have any feelings towards them except negative. I don't know what I am then. An ungrateful, capricious and spoilt child - and this is the best I can say about myself, the worst is - I am a beast, and I sometimes really think I am. I have to do everything in my power to be nice with them, and still they notice when I am nervous and get offended. I know that if they need help, I shall help them - but only because that's my duty, and not because of any love. I always feel guilty towards them, guilty for everything, sometimes even for the fact that I still exist, and their child is me instead of another, obedient and calm girl or boy. I can't cope with this guilt anymore, it unnerves me and eventually drives mad, and yet I can't help thinking of it. Besides, I cannot discuss it with anyone now - the only person I could speak to got annoyed that I am always depressed when nothind bad happened, and now I am afraid to speak on this subject.
On the one hand, I envy people from other countries for whom visiting a psychologist is common practice. On the other hand... I don't think I'll do it now after an incident about a year ago. I am still afraid, because because of that all I almost lost an ability to trust people. I love them, I adore them, I can do anything for them, but I don't trust them. And now, no matter what happens, the first thing I do is find fault with myself - not "search" but always "find", so any way of expressing negative emotions becomes "whining", and I don't have a right to blame anyone because the one to blame is myself. I wish I could at least once just cry and say that I feel terrible, freely. Even if I make up my mind to visit a doctor. Besides, I am afraid to hear something terrible that I never knew about myself again, and I'll believe it anyway. I wonder if I can hate myself even more. When we discuss some character with my friends, I am afraid to call him or her bad or other unfavourable word - what if the answer will be: "Look at yourself, because you are the same!"? And I can't ask a person, even a closest friend or a doctor, to be more mild with me. The first reason is that this would be weakness, the second is that I am too bad, and I so don't deserve it. Well. I am scared of myself. And tired. I wish I were left alone for some more time...
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Jul. 9th, 2009


Why am I loved only when I'm gone? (c)

So, I came home ^^ Awww, so pleasant to hear Russian everywhere, the familiar mother tongue instead of Italian which I don't know. That somehow soothes me, being unable to understand what almost everybody is speaking about irritates me. And it must be ironic that one of the first things I am doing is updating a journal in English X)
The mess in my room is terrible as usual, and I am too tired or too lazy - don't know what to call it at this very moment - to do anything about it.
So, the main results of the trip are:
- I was suddenly inspired to write a continuation to the fairy tale I started rather long ago;
- ...bought quite a few souvenirs, if a bunch of Swiss chocolates can be called souvenirs;
- ...read a cycle of children's books, which doesn't include the one I mentioned earlier;
- ...started reading the one I mentioned;
- Finally, a funny thought came to my mind, and I've been thinking it over xD
Well, you see.
And now, the very thought. It seems to me that I have learned everything I rate highly only from books. Fantasy, fairy tales, others. Well, of course it's normal to learn from books because they are supposed to teach, but aren't people taught manners by their parents? Was I too stubborn and arrogant to listen to them when they told me what is wrong and what is right, or what else is the reason? There seems to be nothing about what I can proudly say: "Yes, my Mom and Dad brought me to respect this kind of thing, and I value it". I wonder why. I wonder if I was that stupid or what. I wonder why I understand many things much later than others...
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Jul. 3rd, 2009


Recent events and the anime I watched

Leaving for the town of Como tomorrow. It will be just a week trip but I am already looking forward to going back. ^^; Aww.
What is a nice thing is that now I have a pocket PC, and it enables me to read books from the screen. I do adore the rustle of pages of a "real" book but during a trip this device is really useful because I don't need to pack those heavy tomes into the bag. Just about an hour ago I accidently came across the children's "science-fiction" book I mentioned earlier and spontaneously decided to read it, too, because I never finished it then. I even wonder what the impression will be now, and how I will find the author's style. I hope it will not seem too primitive - that's a children's book, after all. ^^''
I have recently finished watching Kuroshitsuji, and it left a weird aftertaste. In the middle of the series I realized that this anime contains everything that makes me feel uneasy or disgusted. You see, it's cruel - and this cruelty is shown in a loathsomely beautiul way, if I can call it so. A handsome butler says that he's ready to do anything for the sake of his master and to protect him till the end - but from the first episode we already come to know that he is a demon, and that beyond this high-flown talk is a contract due to which this demon will then get his master's soul, so all this loyalty is fake. The master himself looks like a cute child, but only at first sight because then he gives an eerie feeling as if he also came from Hell. For both of them killing a person seemed to be as easy as blowing away a fly. Though I continued watching t only because of curiosity - what else can there be?! And... it somehow caught me. It was interesting to watch Ciel's story being revealed, and the whole plot started developing in a peculiar way. There even appeared to be characters I could respect or just like, such as prince Soma, lady Elizabeth and Aberlin. I even started to pity Ciel - at least I could understand his feelings. That's just... well, I don't like to speak of this, but children are somewhat sacred for me, and I can't imagine what a person can be if he was able to do such a thing. *winces* What else to say... Some details of the storyline were rather predictable, but I don't think it's that much a drawback. The only character that, as far as I know, a lot of people like while I don't, is Sebastian. And it's not only because of crappy lots of fun-service, but that's also a reason. Oh, the last to mention - do I have to say that the "angel" thing is terrible? By the way, my favourite angel character is Uriel from the Angel Sanctuary manga till the end. ^^
I wonder if I shall go to sleep this night. I'll have to get up at five a.m. ^^;;
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Jun. 26th, 2009


About the rain, wishes and characters

It's been raining for some days, and I feel weird both physically and mentally. I have a strange feeling of time distortion - it's only the end of June but something inside me is trying to assure me that autumn is coming soon. Sometimes a sudden gust of wind makes me shudder from cold - and it brings a touch of sadness I can't get rid of. Sometimes I want this season to come even sooner to watch the fallind leaves and the dull grey color of the sky. I don't know why but it attracts me. As if something interesting is going to happen even in autumn, and this slight sadness will turn into tenderness...
I still remember last autumn's folk music festival - and I miss the feeling of unity I experienced there. So many people gathered, dressed beatifully and a bit strangely from others' point of view, and they all share similar interests, and it seems that you can come up to anyone, greet him or her and instantly begin chatting like old friends. They were all so nice playing games and dancing in front of the stage - I often regret not having joined them. I wish I could go somewhere else and feel like home again, but I am at a loss - where? Maybe that atmosphere can be created only if everyone is together only for a little time and then they go their own way, and just remember bright pictures of a holiday...
My soul is being split into to, more and more, deeper and deeper. I still can't say they are different but they have different feelings for people. And the guy - I nicknamed him Firestorm but I don't feel the real Name yet - behaves unbearably weird. He is too proud - oh my God - to show his feelings because he doesn't want to look like a weakling, and he sees a challenge almost in everything. At the same time the girl, Helena, has her own wishes, though their coming to life depends on other people - and Firestorm doesn't let her/me ask for anything, due to his pride again. It seems to me that he awakens when Helena can't bear something emotionally disturbing anymore. Though now... ah, well, there still is, but he awakened too early this time.
I know how crazy this all may seem, but... he is not a character, he is a part of me. In comparison to this, there is Jeanne, who is really a kind of role-playing character. I wrote the description of her past, appearance and nature and want to try to act as her on a forum. I also plan writing a mystic story about her, but still... she's a character, and she has nothing to do with the real me. She is careless, lively, has an easy temper and is just... different. I can associate myself even more with Altair, the boy she will eventually fall in love with, but he is, again, different from me because he is very quiet and seldom speaks much. Though I like to imagine them together and think about them - it soothes me...
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Jun. 22nd, 2009


Grimm manga

I've read Grimm manga at last :) I could have forgotten about the little book for quite a long time but fortunately today my friend opened it, started reading and suddenly blabbed out: "Oh, is it yuri here?!" - and, of course, after that I couldn't help peering into the book. Even though there was no yuri and Rapunzel appeared to be a GUY, it was all cute, full of fluff and happy-ends ^_^ Aww, I want to cuddle the brave wolfcub from the first chapter! Besides, one of the characters has the name Maximilien, and mainly that was the reason for my soulmate to advise me to read it because she said that "you know, the hero's a bit like him". What is remarkable - he really IS! And even not a bit, but a whole lot xD That both amused me and made me feel melancholy. "An honest person and a man of his word", isn't he...?
It's almost one o'clock AM and I'm still not sleepy. I wonder what it will lead to this time.

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Jun. 19th, 2009


More glimpses and fears

See this cute red-haired guy on the userpic? That's Robin from the Le Chevalier d'Eon anime series. And he is also an image of my this weird weird "other side of me".
I first realized his existence while watching Yami no Matsuei two years ago, when Tsuzuki Asato appeared to be the first male character whom I could identify myself with. I even led a diary from his behalf for quite a time, but eventually this "role-playing game" ended - and only that weird inner self remained. I don't know very much about him, only that he is very emotional, just like the usual me, immature but very protective of his close people, maybe even too much sometimes. We are alike in some cases yet he is somewhat different from me.
Why Robin? That's a long story... again I'm saying that! xD To start with, a few words about Le Chevalier d'Eon. That's a mystical anime which has a slight connection to the events previous to the French Revolution. I call it slight because the main connection is the characters, with an alternative storyline. The other thing I must mention is the Name - I got mine from a dream, and my beloved one found it there, feeling a mystical and almost unbelievable unity with one of the characters - Maximilien Robespierre. A bit later he learnt that his birthday coincide's with the real person, the revolutionary. And now comes the main.
The fear of the past awakened in me again after I watched the whole series - the fear for Robespierre, for whom I couldn't do anything because he was a character, and for Max, because he kept saying that he must have went through the same, and I still couldn't change anything since it happened in some uncertain past. And what's more... He began reading books about Robespierre and the Revolution, and I didn't feel any connection to that time. He told me that Robin reminded him of me - and, yes, we are alike, but I don't feel it. I wasn't there, and it was like a different world to me, as if from that moment we were separated by an invisible world by the fact that I had nothing to do with that all. And this is the real fear. As if this mystical disconnection can ruin something, and no human being can resist it.
I know that "the other side of me" can get over that all, and maybe that was the reason that made him awaken that time. Before that he almost contrived to fall in love with one of my friends, and that was quite an experience ^^ It was not me - it was him, certainly. He even wrote something for her, and this is one of only a few poems which I find quite good even after some time. Now he is also one of my characters, and I describe him as the heroine's past incarnation.
By the way, that fear of separation is almost gone now. It even seems that our relationship has reached some higher level after that all. Still it sometimes haunts me when he speaks much about "Le Chevalier" and the Revolution. And "the other side" has recently been playing a lot of jokes on me...

The glimpses

I discovered a community dedicated to past life experiences accidently, and that excited me all over again. I'm confused, because I now can't distinguish what is real from what I have imagined myself. At all. And this eerie excitement still drives me completely mad when I read or hear people saying anything on this topic. The events in my dreams have taken place both in the past and in the future, I met different people, both those I know and complete strangers who played major roles there.
What I know is that I have a strong feeling for cats and maybe a connection with them. My beloved Maximilien once saw a dream where he was told that I am a kind of a cat sprite originally, and in this world I was incarnated as a human with paranormal abilities several times, and several times as a cat. Well, that's what I can believe just because of this cat obsession which has lasted since my early childhood.
The other thing... Fire? It has always attracted me and never frightened. Only later, while discussing something with Max, we ended up speaking about the Dark Ages, witchcraft and inquisition, and then I had a trip to Prague, after which it seemed to me that my character has changed in a way, and I felt that there's something wrong with that all. The dream I've already mentioned gave a clue to this problem, but... couldn't that be just a dream? He himself thinks it was...
One more thing... which I cannot describe, except the the fact that it's connected to physical pain. Neither in Russian, nor even in English. Just... once, when I was a schoolgirl about 11 years old, I was reading a science-fiction book and I encountered THAT, and it freaked me out for a long time. And though I don't find it that scary when I think, and it's only a detail that means nothing in any plot as it is, it just makes me shudder. In one of my dreams I was about to go through THAT, and someone said: "Don't be afraid". But I am not afraid of that. It is just disturbing to read about it. Anyway, I felt so weird that I woke up before THAT happened. Well, enough of it.
Finally, a lot of strange coincidences with the story of a heroine of the fairy-tale I am writing and... the myth about the Norse goddess Freya, who also had the connection with cats. First I write, and them I learn, mostly accidently, that the plot is similar to what was told about Freya. I cannot find any logical explanation to that, I'm just curious.
Too much more to say... and I'm tired.

Jun. 14th, 2009


Masks and ghosts of the past

This is becoming too common: feeling extremely lazy all day long and then getting too energetic to sleep after mignight xD I will not be surprized if I write an extremely long post again and finish it when the morning comes ))
All of a sudden I felt a desire to listen to Nightwish a couple of days ago but realized that I don't have any music files I need because they got deleted during a computer breakdown. Therefore, of course, I got on everyone's nerves and even ended up being taught how to use the torrents, which seemed a kind of weird magic to me before x) So now I'm listening to the songs and feeling a bit nostalgic. Five or six years ago I used to visit the role-playing forum, and one of the admins was a fan of Nightwish, so I learnt about the band from her and fell head over heels in love with the music and even more with Tarja's voice. After that I started paying attention to most of the music she liked, including Theatre of Tragedy and some other gothic rock and metal bands, but I once stopped getting on well with the girl herself. Oh, but that's a long story, and I started it in a wrong way.
The thing is that she was all so kind and gentle, and everyone was amazed by her and called her a ray of sunlight. At that time, of course, I respected her and wanted to be like her - because, you see, being like that is what I find the most important in life. One more detail: I knew that the person I had a crush on at that period was in love with her a year ago or so. I can't say I was jealous, no. It's just that I had no doubt that she's better than me. Besides, now I understand that it was exactly the moment when my "fear of the past" first revealed itself. I was too much stricken by the fact that what already happened can't be turned back, that it had caused more and more changes in the fate and character of a person. I was thinking mostly of the negative emotional experiences - and there was nothing I could do to protect the special person from it all because at that time we hadn't even got acquainted. I never told him about that, but still now I am usually unable to ask about the past - I am always afraid of running into something as sharply painful as that; I have to get ready for it everytime a new acquaintance occures.
The story again went in some weird direction, heh... Okay. Eventually that girl seized to visit the forums, having told us that she had problems with her studies and upcoming exams. And some time after that a newbie registered there. She was energetic and willing to be a member of our jolly crowd, but at the same time she was rather bold, acrimonious and often gave caustic remarks while speaking. Only some months later, discussing something, she revealed her identity - it was her, that kind and open-hearted girl, but, as she said, she had reasons to "wear the mask". Multiple accounts would cause an immediate ban on the forums, there was hardly anyone who tried to do it secretly because everyone trusted each other - we were children, after all; so nobody could suspect anything wrong, and only other admins and a few more people knew the truth. At first I was just surprised, but eventually, very slowly, I started thinking: it's all wrong. How can a person who is really kind pretend to be that sassy and sometimes mock others, especially the people she knew? What I couldn't forgive her for was that she was rude to that very person I liked. Now that I remember it the whole thing looks like a child game, but back then it was all serious and left a bitter aftertaste. Fortunately, I don't have any remorse or regrets now)
By the way, speaking about masks and reflections: I'll write about "the second side of me" sometime. Maybe soon, maybe not; I'm a bit tired now after unleashing so much emotions again...

Jun. 11th, 2009


Sleepy cats

This weather will sometime kill me xD Or maybe it's not only the weather but also the lack of sleep this night... anyway, I have been feeling drowsy all day long. And when, after being caught in the rain again, we went to my friend's house and drank some tea, I curled up on the sofa and... yes, I fell asleep x))) The unusual thing is that she was playing some video game with her boyfriend (awww... a terrible word, it doesn't associate with him at ALL), and they were commenting it in a LOUD voice xD Besides, I am always too nervous to fall asleep easily anywhere but in my bed, and even at home I can spend a couple of hours trying to sort out the annoying thoughts. And this time... I really don't know what it was x)
Another weird thing: my cat keeps coming up to me and sometimes even lying down near me and purring, while she usually flees the very moment I try to reach her and take her in my arms, and if I manage to, she immediately begins scratching and biting viciously xD
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